Weekly Davar - At the heart of love lies forgiveness
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Kedoshim
(Leviticus 19-20)
28th April 2011
24th Nissan 5771
Good Afternoon!! with the big wedding upon us, I thought I would put in a quick Rabbinical thought. You have to give credit to the Royal Family that they are sticking with the institution of marriage. Given that three out of four of the queen’s children have suffered very unpleasant failed marriages, it would be easy for her grandchildren to come to the conclusion that marriage doesn’t work. And the country would not be unaffected. But it’s not marriage that doesn’t work, it’s individual marriages – and in truth it’s individuals within marriages. So I’m very pleased to see that Will and Kate believe in making a commitment to each other – till death do they part. And if they are only doing it (which I don’t believe they are) because it is expected of them then all the better – I’m even more pleased that our country still expects lasting commitment in its relationships. So not that they need it, but they have my full and absolute support and I will certainly be tuning in to share their big day!
Whilst on the topic we have a wonderful speaker here from Canada next Sunday 8th May. His name is Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky and he's a very old friend. Hes been giving seminars on how to make marriages great internationally for many years now and I recommend him very very highly. Please follow this link for information.
Torah Portion
This portion invokes us to be holy. It is one of my favourites and full of great laws.
Some of them: revere your parents, observe Shabbas, no idol worship, gifts to the poor, deal honestly, love your neighbour as yourself (yes, we own the copyright on this one, even though many others have sold it under a different brand name), refrain from immoral sexual relationships, honour the elderly, love the proselyte, don't engage in sorcery or superstition, do not pervert justice, deal honestly, observe the kosher laws and more.
One of the Torah’s most famous phrases is in this week’s portion: Love your neighbour as yourself. Immediately preceding this, the Torah says, ‘Don’t take revenge’. Why is this specific command right before the command to love others?
The Rabbis explain that when you love, it’s impossible for you to take revenge.
They give a metaphor. Someone is holding a nail in his right hand and hammering with his left. He misses the nail and hits his hand instead. The right hand is incensed at the left hand for doing this and picks up the hammer and hits the left hand back. It’s ridiculous. The left hand and right hand belong to the same body. If one hurts, so does the other. For one to hurt the other back is for it to hurt itself even more.
When people come to realise, the Rabbis tell us, that we are all one; we are all part of something greater; we are created in God’s image and all part of a single whole, then there will be no revenge and love will reign supreme. As long as we think that it is every man for himself, it is in our interests to push ourselves forward even if it means pushing another down. The essence of not taking revenge and the essence of loving others are the same – a realisation that we are all parts of a greater whole.
On a smaller scale, the same is true in marriage. Rabbi Weinberg a”h taught me before I got married that, ‘a happy wife is a happy life’ and also ‘a happy husband is a happy wife’. Marriage means two souls joining together as one. My spouse is not a separate person, she is part of me and I am part of her. We are two halves of the same whole. One of the great secrets to happiness in a marriage is to realise that even if my spouse is not nice, even if she hurts me, it does nothing for me to hurt her back; or let me rephrase that – it does do something for me to hurt her back – it causes me even more pain. Frustrating at it is, at the heart of love lies forgiveness. If you cannot forgive, you cannot love. Love means accepting that the relationship is more important than being right. It means understanding that if my spouse makes me unhappy, my best possible response is to try to make her happy. When I feel my spouse is not giving enough, the best thing I can do is to give more myself. Because giving to your spouse, ultimately, is giving to yourself also.
On the other hand, there is very little I can think of that will undermine love more in a marriage than keeping a scorecard, competing against each other, judging if my spouse is doing enough compared to how much I am doing.
I would have a whole lot more to say on this, but I’ve run out of space. Suffice to say, ‘Don’t take revenge; love your neighbour as yourself’ is a perfect verse in the Torah – because you quite simply can’t do one without the other.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Shaul Rosenblatt
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