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Weekly Davar - Korach: How To Lose An Argument

Good morning!!
The level to which we are affected by our environment always amazes me. I was talking to two people recently who told me they are having affairs. And it didn’t really faze me. When I first came to the UK 20 years ago I would have been horrified – what about the sanctity of marriage, the commitment that was made; the Ten Commandments? But in 20 years as a Rabbi and hearing about adultery so often, it doesn’t bother me in the same way anymore. I’m sad and shocked at myself, but we are all affected – whether we notice it or not – by the behaviour of those around us. The more we experience a lack of morality, the less we are disturbed by it. A society lacking values will subtly and insidiously erode our own values. It makes no difference how many people are doing it or how they are rationalizing it, adultery is always wrong. Over time, even a mountain can be eroded by its environment into dust; so too even our strongest of values if we do not remain focused and attentive to what we know to be true.
 
Torah Portion

This week’s portion is about the argument that Korach, Moses’ cousin, deliberately picked with Moses and Aaron. This is the classic example of an argument that was not for the sake of Heaven. The whole thing was just a pretence for an attack on Moses and a potential coup d’etat, which ended up failing miserably when Korach and his followers were swallowed up by an earthquake. This effectively ended any disagreement there might have been. It’s a great way to end an argument, but if you try it, please don’t say you heard it from me.
 
Davar Torah

Judaism does not look at arguments as bad per se. Arguments are the cornerstone of Jewish learning and have the potential to increase the wisdom of all involved. Argument in marriage, as I’ve mentioned before, is part and parcel of a healthy relationship. I am always more concerned about a marriage that has no arguments than a marriage that has many.
 
Argument is healthy, as long as a few ground rules are adhered to. I’ve talked about a few of them in the past and want to mention one more; the Rabbis call it: arguing for the sake of Heaven.
 
That doesn’t mean literally, for the sake of Heaven. It means that your goal in an argument is impersonal. You want to find truth – not necessarily be right.
 
If your goal in an argument is to prove your point, you are unlikely to listen (because the other person has nothing of interest to say), unlikely to be reasonable (because there is no chance that the other person is right) and unlikely to stay calm (because why on earth is this idiot not listening to such clear common sense???) Two people intent on defending entrenched positions do not make for a pretty sight. Until at least one side is ready to be open to the possibility of being wrong, arguments are a frustrating waste of time and energy.
 
The Rabbis, as ever, provide a very helpful perspective when going into an argument. If you win an argument, what have you accomplished? You have managed to bend another human being to your will – not so exciting. But if you lose an argument because you listened honestly and decided that you were wrong – you have gained something so much more meaningful. You have gained an appreciation of a point of view that you did not have before you began. You have seen the world from a new perspective and now understand it differently – more deeply than you did until now. You are a wiser person and a deeper person. You have discovered a truth that previously you did not know existed. The humility involved is deeply satisfying and the person you argued with probably respects you a great deal more because of it.
 
Once we can stop needing to defend our position, and be open to new possibilities, I personally find that it’s a lot more pleasurable to lose an argument than to win one – especially in a marriage when we can make our spouse feel good by not only respecting, but more importantly, appreciating his or her point of view. In fact, winning an argument seems almost pointless. Next time you find yourself engaged in an argument, see if you can be open to honestly losing it – once you get used to the idea, you’ll find that it’s so much more fun than winning!

Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Shaul Rosenblatt

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